Aku ga mau jadi Yudas!
Backsound: Everything About You – Darlene Zschech
Benernya aku ga mau posting ini. Yaa.. adalah pokoknya alasannya. Tapi aku juga ga tahan buat nulis ini. Aku butuh buat share tentang ini. Aku butuh seseorang (saja!) yang bener-bener pengen baca dan pengen tahu tentang ini. Aku juga ga bermaksud sombong, atau sok, walaupun dasarnya aku emang orang yang narsis (bisa parah kalo kumat). Yah, aku cuma pengen share aja.
Akhir-akhir ini aku cukup shock dengan segala kejadian di sekelilingku. Mulai IT Ministry, koordinator PAW, SNMPTN, sekolah minggu mama, remasa, dan banyak hal laiinya.
Sejak tes SNMPTN awal Juli kemaren, aku sudah bertekad untuk stop stress memikirkan masa depanku. Tahukah kalian? Aku sungguh ngeri membayangkan masa depanku waktu itu.
Bagaimana kalo ga lolos SNMPTN?
Gimana kalo ga kuliah?
Bisa ga kira-kira aku belajar sendiri di rumah, sambil buka kerjaan? Freelance?
Atau pilih PAPSI ITS aja ya?
Gimana tanggapan orang-orang kalo aku memutuskan ga kuliah?
Kalo aku ga kuliah… ga kuliah…. gaa kuliaahh… gaaaakk.. kuu..liii..aaahhh…
Pertanyaan2 seperti itu selalu menghantui kehidupanku sejak aku memutuskan untuk ga daftar swasta manapun, dan tetap mengangkat mukaku (walaupun hatiku rasanya remuk) waktu ditanya mau kuliah dimana.
Memang kuliah ga menentukan masa depan, tapii.. entah kenapa di otakku selalu meraung-raung kalo aku (nanti) beneran ga kuliah. Aku masih pengen sekolah! Aku masih pengen belajar! Aku masih pengen ikut lomba! Aku masih pengen menunjukkan eksistensiku sebagai seorang muda di sini!
Apalagi dengan kenyataan bahwa papaku belum tentu bisa membiayai kuliahku. Yeah.. dia elalu aja gembar-gembor, uang seberapapun, bahkan kalo harus jual rumah, kalo aku memang berminat untuk kuliah di bidang yang aku mintai, dia rela. Tapi aku ga sebodoh itu lah. Jual rumah! Ckckck.. Aku semakin ragu untuk ambil swasta, atau sekolah animasi, yang pasti harganya selangit!
Jadi, selama sebulan penuh, aku hanya berharap (penuh) sama Tuhan. Setiap kali sate, atau maen musik, atau waktu mau tidur, waktu mandi, aku cuma bisa bilang: “Tuhan, masa depanku Engkau yang pegang, Yaye masih mau sekolah”.
Tetapi ketakutan akan masa depanku itu membuat aku begitu stress, dan bingung. Mungkin ga ada satu orang pun yang tahu, bahwa hatiku sudah remuk redam memandang masa depanku sendiri yang ga jelas mau gimana. Malah mereka cenderung heran, kok aku santai-santai aja?
Sebagai pelampiasan atas kebingunganku itu, biasanya aku curahkan dengan ceria berlebihan, sibuk berlebihan, terkesan ga mau tahu, dan sok yakin.
Padahal.. hanya Tuhan yang tahu gimana perasaanku waktu itu.
Hal ini agak teredam, waktu aku tahu aku bisa berguna banyak di IT Ministry, dan waktu tahu ternyata orang-orang ITM ga memandang rendah aku, malahan ngasih support yang begitu besar buat aku, mempercayakan banyak hal ke aku. Padahal orang-orang di sana adalah orang-orang berpengalaman, dashyat, ahli di bidangnya masing-masing. Sedang aku? Aku ini newbie!
Hal ini tentu buat aku makin semangat. Tapi kekendoran justru terjadi di pelayanan yang bener-bener Tuhan taruh di hatiku. Ya. Praise and Worship.
Aku pelayanan ITM karena itu memang sudah dari sononya aku suka, dan kebetulan ternyata aku ada minat besar di bidang itu. Tapi kalo PAW, aku sama sekali ga ada background. Sama sekali.
Aku masih ingat waktu aku mau ambil bagian itu, soalnya aku lihat ga ada orang yang berani ambil bagian itu. Jelas, waktu itu aku bilang: “Lihat aja! Kalo sampe nanti ga ada orang yang mau berdiri buat keyboard, nanti aku yang akan duduk di tempat itu!”
Ternyata benar!
Ga lama setelah itu, aku disuruh ngisi bagian itu.
Tanpa punya alat musik keyboard.
Tanpa punya dasar maen musik.
Tanpa tahu nada.
Aku cuma pernah ngeband sekali. Waktu SMP. Juga belum bertobat.
Aku cuma tahu tangga nada dasar.
Aku cuma ngerti sedikit2 tentang ketukan.
Dan untuk itu, aku harus belajar ekstra keras supaya bisa melayani keyboard.
Pemimpinku cuma bisa bilang: “Ini memang jalanNya deh Ye” waktu dia lihat aku pernah berfoto maen organ waktu masih kecil banget. Lama setelah aku melayani musik.
Ya. Sejak aku dipromosikan di ITM, aku kendor di PAW. Aku mulai ‘mendua’kan PAW. Bahkan aku bertekad, setelah KKR ini aku akan menyerahkan jabatanku (yang bukan dengan mudah aku dapat, penuh air mata dan pengorbanan hati) ke Rian, penggantiku.
Tapi,
Memang Tuhan itu seorang sutradara yang luar biasa.
Setelah konflik berkepanjangan, agak-agak mbulet juga, ternyata Dia tetep ga rela untuk gantikan posisiku dengan Rian. Kayaknya Dia udah cinta berat sama permainanku.
Haha.
Sungguh jahat ya, aku ini.
Tega banget untuk menyakiti Tuhan dengan mengoper posisiku ini.
Tanpa peduli dengan perasaan Tuhan.
Tanpa tahu, kalo Tuhan butuh aku.
Padahal apa sih aku.
Tanpa sadar ternyata aku sudah jadi sok dan sombong di mataNya.
Tapi aku paling suka caraNya untuk membuat aku berbalik.
Dia menyerahkan ke aku posisi yang dulu dipegang Lucifer.
Posisi yang harusnya bisa membuat aku jatuh seperti Lucifer.
Posisi yang seharusnya bisa membuat aku besar kepala lebih lagi.
Posisi, yang kalo aku mau, aku bisa sok-sok’an.
Dia berani mempercayai aku sedemikian rupa, untuk suatu jabatan yang bisa berbalik menyerang Dia sendiri! Dia berani mempercayakan aku jabatan yang bisa saja menyakiti hatiNya!
Dan, kepercayaanNya itu yang membuat kau terharu setengah mati. Membuat aku malu banget. Justru membuat aku hancur hati.
Kenapa Tuhan??
Kenapa??
Kenapa kok Kamu menyerahkan jabatan penting ini ke aku, yang sudah punya rencana busuk, jahat, dan kurang ajar, untuk meninggalkanMu?? Aku marah, aku shock, aku nyaris ga sanggup. Aku bahkan ga sanggup menolak waktu melihat tampang ko Remmy yang ngasih tahu kalo aku bakal megang jabatan itu. Ingin rasanya menolak. Ingin rasanya bisa lepas dari pelayanan ini.
Tapi entah kenapa aku ga sanggup untuk menolak.
Malam itu, aku cuma bisa duduk sambil memainkan gitarku, hanya bisa termenung. Seperti Petrus yang sadar dia sudah entah sengaja atau ga sengaja menyangkal Tuhan!
Hari itu aku ambil satu keputusan.
Aku ga akan lari dan gantung diri seperti Yudas, waktu menyadari kesalahanku.
Aku mau bangkit, seperti Petrus.
Karena aku tahu, kasih karuniaNya jauh lebih besar dari pada kesalahanku.
Sekalipun kesalahanku fatal (menyakiti Roh Kudus!), tapi aku tahu, Dia selalu punya stok kesempatan kedua yang begitu banyak. Yang siap untuk diberikan, waktu aku putuskan untuk berbalik.
Ya.
Aku mau berbalik.
Biar dunia tahu, bahwa di sana terdapat banyak kesempatan kedua, buat setiap orang yang kehilangan kesempatan pertamanya…
Uwahh.. So sweet… Emang JC tiada taranya.. Selalu ngasi kita kesempatan buat memperbaikin kesalahan kita..
Tuhan slalu membuat sgala sesuatu indah pada waktunya ^^
Semangat ye !! Ahiak ahiak…
non..
semangat yahhhhhhhh..^^
manut wae..
hehe..
gbu best sist..
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